Have you ever had the experience where you know there’s something you need to change in your relationship dynamic but you can’t seem to make the change happen? Maybe you need to break up with the person you're with because it’s making you miserable. So, you think about it, you talk to your friends or your therapist, you make a plan, you know what you are going to say, and then, you pick up the phone and make the call and boom - all you have to do is hear their voice and BOOM, you are right back in it, scared to end it. Right now, I’m working hard on my communication style with my husband, Chris. When we have a tense conversation and I start to feel triggered, I automatically turn into a bully. My volume goes up, my tone shifts, I get a bit insulting, and honestly, I am an asshole. It’s a communication pattern I witnessed as a kid, and now it’s a pattern that I repeat. I don’t like it. I feel like I am a bad person when I do it. I want to change this pattern. I can teach other people how to do it. And yet, when I get stressed, I find it incredibly hard to interrupt myself. It’s so automatic, it makes me feel powerless.
In this video, Dr. Nicole gave me a huge Aha! Moment. The funny thing is, I know all this about the brain, the nervous system and behavior patterns because of all the research I’ve done teaching the #5SecondRule, and yet, it was this moment, in this video, that it really landed in a deeply personal way for me.
Here’s what’s going on - when you talk about changing behavior with a therapist, a friend, or a coach like me, you are using the conscious part of your brain. But changing requires you to interrupt your nervous system and all of the patterns of behavior that have been encoded in the unconscious part of your brain.
Yes, you can catch those patterns and use the 5 Second Rule and the 5-4-3-2-1 countdown method interrupts those patterns and gives you a micro-moment of self-awareness so you can take control. But what you also need to do is the deeper work, as @the.holistic.psychologist explains, and learn how to settle your nervous system, and “reparent” yourself to change these unconscious patterns that keep you trapped.
So what are you working hard to change in your relationship dynamic right now? Put a 🔥 in the captions if this was an Aha! Moment for you too.
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